How does an individual process massive loss, such as that which is happening in Japan right now? I am so removed from that area, but I am continually brushed by the presence of the Japanese people. I am a huge fan of the Naruto manga and animated series. My friend's brother has been doing an internship there for years. She spent many months farming there a few years back. I have studied the marital arts and Kosho Shorei a little bit, whose heritage is partially Japanese. I tattooed a young man who lost his cousin in the tsunami this past week. Japan is far away, but constantly in my presence. It is part of the world, and part of me. I am terribly sad about the pain and hardship being experienced there. It is larger than I can process for the most part.
My hope is that each individual will hold hope in their hearts for the Japanese people, give what they can, and act with compassion. This kind of disaster can happen anywhere, and has, and will. The world is small now, we cannot pretend that what happens in one place does not effect everywhere and everyone else. All beings are impacted by disasters, and it is in the way we respond to them that we can transcend our grief and fear and pain, and transform it into something better for all of the world. Crisis can be an opportunity for massive change for the better, even as we acknowledge devastating loss.
It is time to come together, to work for the best of all of humankind, not just what is best for me, right now, right here. It is a good time to remember the way of the Haudenosaunee people, who always considered the impact of their actions on the seventh generation away from them. If we would all do that, we would understand that we need to take better care of each other, better care of our planet, act with love in our hearts rather than money on our mind. The world would become a much safer, happier and loving place nearly instantly, I think. Let's do that.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Spring clear-out
My posting has been very sparse lately - I suppose that Spring has sprung, and I have been spending as much time as possible outside in nature instead of sitting inside at a computer. Of course, today it is snowing again, so here I sit. But this past week I have managed to spend every morning walking at the park and campgrounds before work for at least an hour, and yesterday took Derek along with me too. It has been beautiful out, one day even hitting 70 degrees!
My whole mood shifts dramatically to the better in the Spring. Without being cold I am a lot less grumpy. Without having to contend with snow and ice, I am outside a lot more, and not stressed as much about driving. My energy level feels through the roof, and I am tackling many unfinished projects and clearing out old clutter both literally and figuratively.
It feels good to let go of things I am not using. I still struggle with throwing things away or giving them away if I suspect that I could use them. But the truth is, I am not using these old things, and somebody else could be. I really do only wear about 3/4 of what I own, and avoid the remaining 1/4 for whatever reason. Why not donate the stuff I will never wear anyway to charity? Why not sell it if I need the money? The same gos for art supplies, my other vice. I do use much of it, but there is a great deal that I do not use anymore because it is not what I work with. I don't need giant canvases anymore because I prefer to paint on paper. I don't draw with charcoal anymore, so why do I have newsprint? A college student would be thrilled to get what it sitting in my closet and has been for years. I think I will donate this stuff very soon. I feel better when the space is clear, and more capable of being creative and using the stuff that is useful to me.
In a way, I need to pare down even the stuff on my computer. The computer is useful, but has so much stuff on it that I can easily distract myself with things I barely enjoy just to pass time. Why not delete it off the computer and be faced with actually turning this beast off when I am no longer using it for the purpose I set out to do at the beginning? No plants vs zombies, or peggle. I could do my emails and then log off, as I have been this past week, and go outside to play. Or, the week before that, log off and read a book. Both much more rewarding than zombie squishing. :)
Anyway, this hasn't been a very thought-out post. But I am alive, and working and well. Back to life with me.
My whole mood shifts dramatically to the better in the Spring. Without being cold I am a lot less grumpy. Without having to contend with snow and ice, I am outside a lot more, and not stressed as much about driving. My energy level feels through the roof, and I am tackling many unfinished projects and clearing out old clutter both literally and figuratively.
It feels good to let go of things I am not using. I still struggle with throwing things away or giving them away if I suspect that I could use them. But the truth is, I am not using these old things, and somebody else could be. I really do only wear about 3/4 of what I own, and avoid the remaining 1/4 for whatever reason. Why not donate the stuff I will never wear anyway to charity? Why not sell it if I need the money? The same gos for art supplies, my other vice. I do use much of it, but there is a great deal that I do not use anymore because it is not what I work with. I don't need giant canvases anymore because I prefer to paint on paper. I don't draw with charcoal anymore, so why do I have newsprint? A college student would be thrilled to get what it sitting in my closet and has been for years. I think I will donate this stuff very soon. I feel better when the space is clear, and more capable of being creative and using the stuff that is useful to me.
In a way, I need to pare down even the stuff on my computer. The computer is useful, but has so much stuff on it that I can easily distract myself with things I barely enjoy just to pass time. Why not delete it off the computer and be faced with actually turning this beast off when I am no longer using it for the purpose I set out to do at the beginning? No plants vs zombies, or peggle. I could do my emails and then log off, as I have been this past week, and go outside to play. Or, the week before that, log off and read a book. Both much more rewarding than zombie squishing. :)
Anyway, this hasn't been a very thought-out post. But I am alive, and working and well. Back to life with me.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Spring is Coming!
Spring brings such a boost of energy with it. It is only barely above freezing, but already my heart skips with joy outside as the snow sparkles and melts into the stream behind our yard. Birds are singing happier songs and the wind is starting to come warmer from the south again. Soon there will be long evenings, bonfires and hotdogs. I can't wait!
I am happy to have Derek back from his travels. The house feels more homey again. Being able to open the windows and air out the place is wonderful. Sherazade is often in a playful mood, and Timmy is starting to make appearances out from under his hiding bowl and water bowl. I wake up with more energy than I did over the darkness of winter. It's no wonder that this is the time of year where I start to feel myself again. From here until autumn, I really delight in the world. Someday I will perhaps find a love of winter, but if I don't I suppose that's just the way I am. The cold and dark and icy does not suit me, and makes me cranky, tired and scared. Someday I will live in an area that isn't so cold and dark and full of snow, and then I can appreciate winter's brevity.
I've a lot of drawings and tattoos to work on this week, and paintings to paint as well. I'm looking forward to it! Today I will get a drawing on a board, and work on another of the Bougureau interpretations. Plus tattoo a hibiscus flower onto an ankle. A good start to the week!
While my energy level is increasing, I lack many words about it. Not much to say. I want to exprience the day, and get on with it!
I am happy to have Derek back from his travels. The house feels more homey again. Being able to open the windows and air out the place is wonderful. Sherazade is often in a playful mood, and Timmy is starting to make appearances out from under his hiding bowl and water bowl. I wake up with more energy than I did over the darkness of winter. It's no wonder that this is the time of year where I start to feel myself again. From here until autumn, I really delight in the world. Someday I will perhaps find a love of winter, but if I don't I suppose that's just the way I am. The cold and dark and icy does not suit me, and makes me cranky, tired and scared. Someday I will live in an area that isn't so cold and dark and full of snow, and then I can appreciate winter's brevity.
I've a lot of drawings and tattoos to work on this week, and paintings to paint as well. I'm looking forward to it! Today I will get a drawing on a board, and work on another of the Bougureau interpretations. Plus tattoo a hibiscus flower onto an ankle. A good start to the week!
While my energy level is increasing, I lack many words about it. Not much to say. I want to exprience the day, and get on with it!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
What we Feel is What we Get
I recently read something that spoke about how it is not so much thoughts that create our reality, but feelings. The thoughts we hold onto create feelings, and the feelings then manifest our reality. I believe that they are onto something here - it is true that when I am happy, happy things happen, more happy things happen, and better conversations spontaneously arise. The books speaks about how we often unconsciously hold onto feelings or stuff them down, where they still exist and create our circumstances - and then we wonder why these things are happening to us, when in fact we are calling them in with our feeling.
The gist of the article is that we need to acknowledge feelings and let them evolve into happier ones, rather than ignoring or suppressing feelings we don't like and letting them fester. When we do that, circumstances arise that match the hidden feelings, and we bring more of it to us.
I wonder why we find it so scary to feel sad or scared or lonely or angry, depressed or miserable? Obviously those feelings aren't pleasant, but I agree that if they are felt without giving them more meaning than simply, "I am feeling bad right now," it quickly stops hurting and feels a little better. The surmise of the article and book even is that if we let go of the stories we tell ourselves about how we got where we are and replace them with better stories, or eventually even let go of stories altogether, we can create anything we want. It takes time, but slow and steady attention to feeling eventually makes us the master of our lives.
I have found this to be true so far in regards to work, and I want to make it true across the board for me. As I let go of my story of lack, incompetence, inability to trust, and poverty, things are picking up speed and happiness with alacrity. My chair is full most days, the phone is ringing, classes are starting to fill up. I am relaxed and even hopeful again. There is still a bit of resistance in me to receiving this amount of awesome abundance, but I am learning to let go. It's nice. I want to do that with relationships and parents and friends now, too!
Anyway, this is what is on my mind today. I'm busy autoclaving a week's worth of tattoo tools, and it's been a long time since we've had four batches to run just to keep up. I like it! Bring me more awesomeness, universe! Yay!
The gist of the article is that we need to acknowledge feelings and let them evolve into happier ones, rather than ignoring or suppressing feelings we don't like and letting them fester. When we do that, circumstances arise that match the hidden feelings, and we bring more of it to us.
I wonder why we find it so scary to feel sad or scared or lonely or angry, depressed or miserable? Obviously those feelings aren't pleasant, but I agree that if they are felt without giving them more meaning than simply, "I am feeling bad right now," it quickly stops hurting and feels a little better. The surmise of the article and book even is that if we let go of the stories we tell ourselves about how we got where we are and replace them with better stories, or eventually even let go of stories altogether, we can create anything we want. It takes time, but slow and steady attention to feeling eventually makes us the master of our lives.
I have found this to be true so far in regards to work, and I want to make it true across the board for me. As I let go of my story of lack, incompetence, inability to trust, and poverty, things are picking up speed and happiness with alacrity. My chair is full most days, the phone is ringing, classes are starting to fill up. I am relaxed and even hopeful again. There is still a bit of resistance in me to receiving this amount of awesome abundance, but I am learning to let go. It's nice. I want to do that with relationships and parents and friends now, too!
Anyway, this is what is on my mind today. I'm busy autoclaving a week's worth of tattoo tools, and it's been a long time since we've had four batches to run just to keep up. I like it! Bring me more awesomeness, universe! Yay!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Two Wolves
Bit by bit, I seem to be opening my eyes to reality. I recently had a deepening understanding of the truth that what we focus on increases and gains more importance. Over the last year I have been intent on discovering and embracing the darker aspects of myself. No longer ignoring them or banishing them, but learning to embrace them as a part of me and accepting them.
In this process, I have been very willing to admit all my faults. I am selfish, capricious, fickle, lazy, I have a short attention span, I want to be comfortable and adored and loved all the time despite my own actions, I limit my vision of the future to avoid seeing what I don't want to see, I have a hard time saying no. . . there is plenty about me that is less than desirable.
In each instance that these aspects of myself came up, I would acknowledge it. I would even try to like that part of myself, or revel in being that person for the moment, in an attempt to accept it more and reduce conflict in my heart. I would try to be mean or sneaky or lazy with a will instead of unconsciously being that thing I dislike. In many ways, this has opened me up to more of who and what I am. However, I now understand that the more I indulge these aspects the deeper they become. No longer a part of myself that I avoid, they could become parts I enhance, and I don't really want to do that.
I have a bit more of an understanding about the two wolves battling in one's heart, as the metaphor goes. The one you feed is the one that wins. At first I was just wanting to know what the dark wolf was, what it wanted, how it worked. And it was good to learn more about her, because she is a part of me that will run my life from a subversive and unconscious place if I ignore her. I don't always understand why she wants to leap into the hurtful things, but I get the sense that she is the part of me that wants to experience everything, whether it hurts me or not, whether it hurts others or not. She wants this simply to be alive, to have all of the experiences, to vibrantly suffer and cause suffering, to willfully and joyfully enjoy earthly delights. There is some beauty in it, I can't deny that. Her gift is to balance the light wolf, who dwells in the theoretical and ethereal, honorable and virtuous but apart from the guts and gore that is corporeal life. The light wolf loves from a place of grandeur and morals, logical, sweet and calm.
To focus only on the dark wolf led me to spiral a bit into self-pity, wondering why doing what I seemed to want to do caused pain. Allowing every whim to surface and be followed through on got a bit chaotic. To make sense of it, the mind tried to impart meanings where there were none; make up stories to fill in gaps and create histories that were false. Deciding that I WAS the dark wolf - selfish, seductive, crafty, epicurean, lazy - framed all of my thoughts and actions for the time. But I am more than that. I am also the light wolf - brilliant, creative, generous, thoughtful, industrious.
I suppose the union of the two wolves is the best idea, instead of starving one and bloating the other, then switching which one gets to be fed. Balance is important. In remembering that I am not only darkness but also light, my entire being is returning to a state of peace. I feel closer to being ME, and not just aspects of myself. Isn't it interesting that we need to swing the pendulum far out in both directions in order to remember that we don't have to be fully on one side all the time?
This weekend has been one of rest and rejuvenation. I am really happy to remember that I am allowed to simply BE, even if I only remember it for a little while. Baths, candles, fresh food, music, friends. Life is good. :)
In this process, I have been very willing to admit all my faults. I am selfish, capricious, fickle, lazy, I have a short attention span, I want to be comfortable and adored and loved all the time despite my own actions, I limit my vision of the future to avoid seeing what I don't want to see, I have a hard time saying no. . . there is plenty about me that is less than desirable.
In each instance that these aspects of myself came up, I would acknowledge it. I would even try to like that part of myself, or revel in being that person for the moment, in an attempt to accept it more and reduce conflict in my heart. I would try to be mean or sneaky or lazy with a will instead of unconsciously being that thing I dislike. In many ways, this has opened me up to more of who and what I am. However, I now understand that the more I indulge these aspects the deeper they become. No longer a part of myself that I avoid, they could become parts I enhance, and I don't really want to do that.
I have a bit more of an understanding about the two wolves battling in one's heart, as the metaphor goes. The one you feed is the one that wins. At first I was just wanting to know what the dark wolf was, what it wanted, how it worked. And it was good to learn more about her, because she is a part of me that will run my life from a subversive and unconscious place if I ignore her. I don't always understand why she wants to leap into the hurtful things, but I get the sense that she is the part of me that wants to experience everything, whether it hurts me or not, whether it hurts others or not. She wants this simply to be alive, to have all of the experiences, to vibrantly suffer and cause suffering, to willfully and joyfully enjoy earthly delights. There is some beauty in it, I can't deny that. Her gift is to balance the light wolf, who dwells in the theoretical and ethereal, honorable and virtuous but apart from the guts and gore that is corporeal life. The light wolf loves from a place of grandeur and morals, logical, sweet and calm.
To focus only on the dark wolf led me to spiral a bit into self-pity, wondering why doing what I seemed to want to do caused pain. Allowing every whim to surface and be followed through on got a bit chaotic. To make sense of it, the mind tried to impart meanings where there were none; make up stories to fill in gaps and create histories that were false. Deciding that I WAS the dark wolf - selfish, seductive, crafty, epicurean, lazy - framed all of my thoughts and actions for the time. But I am more than that. I am also the light wolf - brilliant, creative, generous, thoughtful, industrious.
I suppose the union of the two wolves is the best idea, instead of starving one and bloating the other, then switching which one gets to be fed. Balance is important. In remembering that I am not only darkness but also light, my entire being is returning to a state of peace. I feel closer to being ME, and not just aspects of myself. Isn't it interesting that we need to swing the pendulum far out in both directions in order to remember that we don't have to be fully on one side all the time?
This weekend has been one of rest and rejuvenation. I am really happy to remember that I am allowed to simply BE, even if I only remember it for a little while. Baths, candles, fresh food, music, friends. Life is good. :)
Thursday, February 17, 2011
How Does One Begin a Meditation Practice?
I've been noticing that it is a lot easier for me to meditate when I picture something happening. I have to follow the breath and picture it like an ocean tide, in and out, in order to stay with it for any length of time. If I am just being still and "blank" too many thoughts come in and I don't notice very well that I am thinking until I am bored of sitting still and wander off. When picturing waves or following the feeling of warmth from the in-breath into my belly and out again, I can calm down and notice extraneous thoughts a lot easier.
I actually like meditating when it calms me. I know that this isn't the point of it so much - the point is just to do it and notice what you are thinking or feeling. But I like it a lot more when the thoughts finally slow down and stop slamming into my consciousness with force. For me, it is a lot more successful when I don't have anything else to be doing, or feel like I could/should be doing. Far from being a priority, I relegate the stillness to a back burner. I should be reading, or drawing, or cleaning, or catching up on emails. I should be out for a walk, or cooking, or spending time with Derek since there is so little time for that. It feels selfish to schedule a time for meditation during the hours that Derek is home with me. And yet I don't find myself doing meditation in the mornings, because I spend those hours waking up, washing, last-minute work drawing or emailing, and sometimes wanting to relax and read or play a game or play with the cat.
Does anyone I know have a successful meditation practice? How do they establish it and make it a welcomed part of their day instead of constantly shoving it to "another time" because sitting around watching TV seems more convenient. Is meditation even supposed to be convenient?
I see that I do get a lot out of the practice, when I do it, and I can see how with regular practice I could be a lot more chilled out and more present. I would like to do that for myself. How to start making it a habit?
I actually like meditating when it calms me. I know that this isn't the point of it so much - the point is just to do it and notice what you are thinking or feeling. But I like it a lot more when the thoughts finally slow down and stop slamming into my consciousness with force. For me, it is a lot more successful when I don't have anything else to be doing, or feel like I could/should be doing. Far from being a priority, I relegate the stillness to a back burner. I should be reading, or drawing, or cleaning, or catching up on emails. I should be out for a walk, or cooking, or spending time with Derek since there is so little time for that. It feels selfish to schedule a time for meditation during the hours that Derek is home with me. And yet I don't find myself doing meditation in the mornings, because I spend those hours waking up, washing, last-minute work drawing or emailing, and sometimes wanting to relax and read or play a game or play with the cat.
Does anyone I know have a successful meditation practice? How do they establish it and make it a welcomed part of their day instead of constantly shoving it to "another time" because sitting around watching TV seems more convenient. Is meditation even supposed to be convenient?
I see that I do get a lot out of the practice, when I do it, and I can see how with regular practice I could be a lot more chilled out and more present. I would like to do that for myself. How to start making it a habit?
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Things I am Happy About
My car runs awesome and gets me places.
It's getting ever warmer, and only rain is in the forseeable forecast, not ice and snow!
I'm making green beans and mushrooms for dinner. Yum. :)
Work is getting more fun, and our guest artist Loic is very funny. It's nice to meet someone who gets along well with everyone at the studio so quickly. I hope he visits CT more often!
Even though I burned my tongue on my tea this afternoon, my tastebuds are regenerating speedily. I am a healing machine. Yeah!
My bed is comfy and has my husband in it to snuggle with.
Derek bought me a very pretty old clock at the auction last week and I find it calming to listen to.
I ate a yummy burrito this afternoon, and the green beans and mushrooms just now were delightful.
The ice near my car in the driveway is almost gone.
The satin soap I rediscovered is doing wonderful things for my skin.
I have almost all of my drawings for work completed. Only two more to go.
I get to paint tomorrow night and teach people about oil paint.
I get to do a tattoo of wolves tomorrow!
I may start brainstorming a crow tattoo for myself soon as well.
I am making new friends and feeling loved.
Money is flowing to me and I am feeling generous and glad.
The credit card bill is shrinking and I am reducing it quickly.
People are interested in Jordu's class and more will sign up soon.
I am getting more sleep and it is improving my energy level. Last night I wasn't nearly as warm as I was the night before. I am getting healthier!
Time to meditate and go to bed. And read. I am feeling fairly lively. Probably because I just finished eating dinner. Yum. Food really is a joy. Thank you, food!
It's getting ever warmer, and only rain is in the forseeable forecast, not ice and snow!
I'm making green beans and mushrooms for dinner. Yum. :)
Work is getting more fun, and our guest artist Loic is very funny. It's nice to meet someone who gets along well with everyone at the studio so quickly. I hope he visits CT more often!
Even though I burned my tongue on my tea this afternoon, my tastebuds are regenerating speedily. I am a healing machine. Yeah!
My bed is comfy and has my husband in it to snuggle with.
Derek bought me a very pretty old clock at the auction last week and I find it calming to listen to.
I ate a yummy burrito this afternoon, and the green beans and mushrooms just now were delightful.
The ice near my car in the driveway is almost gone.
The satin soap I rediscovered is doing wonderful things for my skin.
I have almost all of my drawings for work completed. Only two more to go.
I get to paint tomorrow night and teach people about oil paint.
I get to do a tattoo of wolves tomorrow!
I may start brainstorming a crow tattoo for myself soon as well.
I am making new friends and feeling loved.
Money is flowing to me and I am feeling generous and glad.
The credit card bill is shrinking and I am reducing it quickly.
People are interested in Jordu's class and more will sign up soon.
I am getting more sleep and it is improving my energy level. Last night I wasn't nearly as warm as I was the night before. I am getting healthier!
Time to meditate and go to bed. And read. I am feeling fairly lively. Probably because I just finished eating dinner. Yum. Food really is a joy. Thank you, food!
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