I have come to the realization that much if not all of the outside circumstances in my life are actually mirrors to myself. I mean this in the sense that people, situations and circumstances throw back at me whatever it is I am feeling, whether I am conscious of it or not.
This morning I was a bit cranky but put it off and tried to bypass the feeling and remember all that is good in life. There is a TON of awesomeness in my life right now, but I just couldn't get into the mood of gratitude. Still, I decided not to mope or feel frustrated, and chugged along anyway.
Throughout the day, several mildly annoying things came up. I had a tick crawl on my book toward me. I had a wasp land on my bag. Clients showed up that were somewhat annoyed or annoying, I dropped my phone and the case fell off it. I doodled at my drawing but was upset with it even though it was going well. People I didn't want to deal with called, people I wanted to come didn't show up. All of these things were annoying, but not really bad. The tick didn't bite me. The wasp didn't sting me. The annoying clients were satisfied, and a few even turned into fun people I liked. My phone is fine and all I had to do was put the case back on it. The person who didn't show up is coming tomorrow. I don't even have to reply to the phone people. My drawing looks fine. Really, it was just the slightest edge of annoyingness to everything.
On my drive home, slightly annoying things happened, like people blocking me from passing, or causing a jam by being slow. Nothing awful. And then it dawned on me. I have been annoyed all day! And to point this out, all of these slightly annoying things were happening around me and to me. And if I would just feel annoyed already, for real, instead of ignoring it or pretending it wasn't worth being annoyed over, it could get better.
So I got annoyed with the car people. I relived my day's annoyances and felt kind of pissed off about them. I got annoyed that work was slow and then fast and then annoying. I got annoyed that drivers were being doofuses, and that wasps wanted to land near my things, and a tick had made a beeline for my hand while I was reading my book on the lawn. I got annoyed that I had to do stuff I didn't really feel like doing at all. It felt, well, annoying! And then it felt funny. And then I felt better.
I am still mildly annoyed, but it is a little bit funny to me too. I can see it for what it is. I am not telling myself how right I am to be annoyed, or how awful it is to be annoyed. Actually, it's kind of great to allow myself to feel it. Usually I try to be a "good" person and in my mind "good" people never get annoyed or mad. Especially for no reason. But you know what? I don't really care anymore, and that's a great place to be at. Being annoyed is better than being artificially numb. And letting myself be annoyed is actually letting it break up into a much lighter feeling, a combo of boredom and silly joy at the same time. And I like that a lot. It feels authentic. And that's great!
I feel like stomping around a little, and the thought of that makes me want to laugh. Sounds like a good way to end the evening. STOMP CLOMP ARGH! hehehehe.