Conscious Creators

I have been thinking a lot about how we as humans are creators, and how we create our realities.  I am still wrapping my head around the idea that not only does this effect our interpretation of what goes on around us, but it actually creates the circumstances in our lives in each moment, too.  Incredibly powerful!  So, how do we decide what we actually want, then?  I see that so much of my life in its current state has been unconsciously created, and the few threads that I have thrown energy towards consciously are surprising to me and I don't know what to do with that.  Some of the honest thoughts of what I want have been foreign to me, I am unable to understand where the thought comes from, but the feelings behind them are so strong.  They extend beyond just work, or where we live, but even to who is around us, and the spirit in which they approach us.  Holy crap, if we have that much control over our lives why do we allow ourselves to suffer, and what are the ways I am causing my own suffering through being unclear in what I want?

I have a fear of being reckless, though I delight in it as well.  I mean, I really truly love recklessness, and find it so taboo as well that I basically halt myself from enjoying experiences even as I set them into motion.  My whole life it seems is full of this pitch - work, relationships, friendships, money, hobbies.  I apparently like riding the edge more than I gave myself credit for.  What happens if I embrace it?  Can this be a great strength?  I suspect that embracing our true nature has a great deal of power and joy in it, if we let go of the fear and really allow ourselves to be as we are.  I am surprised at how others percieve me sometimes.   Are they picking up on my true intents below the surface of my awareness?  I would love to come to know my own intentions better, accept and love them, and welcome others responses to me in that aware and loving state.  It could be such an easy existence, trusting that everything is flowing to me exactly as I set it forth, and therefore I would never need to be fearful, since I would be clear on what I was bringing my way instead of always in the dark about it.