What is the dream I have for myself? I have been trying to figure this out for years, but still am not sure that I can narrow down the theme, or if I even have one. Some days it feels so simple to just wake up and be happy and ask questions like, "what would be fun to do today?" and follow that. But many other days, I am caught in obligations that I have made for myself, or believe that I have, even if they don't exist outside my head.
If I open up and allow for anything, I want to live somewhere warmer, with a lot less snow. I'd like to be outside more for eating breakfast, reading books, and enjoying the fresh air. I'd like to paint a bit, tattoo a bit, read and hike a bit. These activities could fill my days and I would be content.
I suppose the good news is that I already read, paint, tattoo and even hike a bit, so I am not far off my mark. I think I must just be bitter about the weather being so full of ice and snow lately. I am not good at accepting limitations, and I need to come to terms with how I am. I hate driving in snow, on snowy roads, or on ice. It stresses me so much to do it that I am in tears or on the verge of them all day, and I fear my heart might explode, but at the same time kind of hope that happens just to put me out of my misery. If I am able to stop feeling like my staying home is the end of the world, then life could go on quite peacefully and happily. But I build up this idea that by staying home I am weak, disappointing and foolish. I fear that I am damaging my friendships by being unreliable. But actually, if I always stayed home in snow, that's pretty reliable. Time to accept this and let it go. Ugh.
It is moments like these that I realize how much I get caught in patterns of belief and thought, and that it feels very had to change it at all. There is a stubbornness to my feelings that precludes reason. Telling myself to feel better about a situation does not make it automatically happen, even though I want it to. I suppose the next thing to do is to accept that I feel bad about my inability to drive without unreasonable fear, and just allow myself to feel bad about it without doing anything.
What usually happens is I feel bad about it, force myself to drive anyway, then feel bad about my "overreaction" to driving, spend the day upset, crying, easily angered and scared, and terrified of my inevitable drive back home. The people who spend time with me get to hear about my horror, which I am sure is annoying and not fun for them. I am resentful of them for "making" me come out, even though they ultimately had nothing to do with that decision, it was all in my head that they "needed" me to come out. I spend the entire day a bundle of nerves, unable to really focus or get anything done because I am preoccupied with visions of spinning cars and crunching metal. So not worth it, even if it is all in my head!
My options at this point are to either "get over it", which I honestly feel I have been trying to do but unsuccessfully; move to an area that doesn't have snow and ice, which is complicated by the fact that I share my life with a man who likes this area and has a job here, and I have a job here too; or get comfortable with the knowledge that I am just not leaving my home in a snowstorm anymore and stop forcing myself to be like everyone else who is able to drive in snow without feeling like they might die the entire way. This is the viable option. Just stay home, and stop torturing myself about that decision, since it won't change my fear of snow death to pretend I don't have it.
Life, please be simple and help me not feel bad about staying home in snow and ice anymore. Help me learn to love this part of myself that I hate right now, so I can come up with other things to do on snow days than berate myself for being stupid and fearful and disappointing. It would be so much nicer to spend the day honestly having fun doing something. Let's do that today, ok?
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