Friday, October 22, 2010

The Beginning

It seems to me that the only times we (those of us in America, anyway) slow down are when we finally get so overwhelmed that we collapse.  We like to rush around and accomplish lots of things, and we take ourselves very seriously and think that everything we are involved in is very important.

I am starting to see how this is both true and untrue.  I have been rushing around for years, also believing that everything I work on and do is very important.  Sometimes I even think it is all so important that I forget that there are people around me who care about me or want to spend time with me.  I am so busy that I push these wonderful friends and family away, thinking that I am better serving them by doing all this stuff than by simply spending some time with them.

One day I woke up in a deep panic, realizing that I was exhausted, and pretty unhappy.  Work was overwhelming.  My relationship was overwhelming.  Dealing with finances and future planning was freaking me out.  I was wondering if I wanted to start a family with my husband or just run away from my relationship altogether and start from scratch.  Processing my past and responsibilities was leaving me shaking and on the verge of tears. Maybe running away from everything that was going on would afford some relief.

I am not proud of all of my responses to my fear and sadness, but in facing them, I am finding some more solid sense of who I am, now, with all of my faults and all of my gifts.  I am relieved to find out that I am just a human being - no more and no less.  Much of what I thought I had to do in life (and I suspect a whole lot of what I still think I have to do) is really just made up.  It's shadows and mirrors I set up myself; expectations that I made of myself and therefore situations that I have the power to change.

I am on a journey towards waking up again.  I want to be a whole human being and awake for my life, ceasing my hamster wheel frenzy and slowing down enough to enjoy every day.  This blog holds my thoughts and revelations as I open myself up and learn what it is to be human and present.  If you find yourself here reading, hopefully you will find plenty to relate to that will help you on your own journey.  In the end, I think we must all experience the same feelings and marvels, the same ups and downs only vaguely disguised in circumstance.  It's great news to me to see that I am not actually as alone as I feared I was.  I hope that you also see how you are not alone, and that we all are a lot more powerful and capable than we think we are.

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