Whatever cold I had last week pales in comparison to the mucous-y beast I contracted yesterday. Derek has been laid up for three or four days with what I thought was just a more intense version of my exhaustion cold. Turns out it was a separate illness altogether, which I am now battling. Fortunately, I had today off and tomorrow as well, so I should fare well against it. Sleep and stillness seem to be the only activities that still the running nose and halt the wracking cough. Ugh. I hope that we haven't given this to other people, as it is a miserable state to be in. I have been told that everyone who attended the wedding has caught this same thing, though.
So, while I am sick, I am pondering old adages, like "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." In the case of illness, I think that has the potential to be true, as long as it doesn't irreparably damage your immune system. Often as we recover from disease, we become immune to that illness and often similar versions of that illness. Is this true for all things? For example, does coming through hurtful relationships give you a similar fortitude if it doesn't break you?
I would say yes. While I wouldn't encourage anyone to deliberately put themselves through the trial of an abusive relationship, I think that the experience of one does leave you with an awareness that you didn't have before. You become able to see your abuser's particular kind of manipulations in others and avoid it accordingly. Sometimes you even will have learned how to use those manipulations against others. I am not sure if this is a sign of strength or of permanent damage, though.
There are novels written on the psychology of relationships and their dysfunctions. Like our bodies are prone to certain diseases and strong against others, perhaps our choice in partners also follows a similar inheritance. This is not to say that there is no joy in love or sweetness in partnerships, as I believe wholeheartedly that there is. I can also see, though, that there is a pattern to the disharmonies individuals continually find themselves up against when trying to have loving relationships.
If you have a need to help others, you find those who need help, and then resent them for asking so much of you. If you are afraid of being abandoned, you create situations in which the other will abandon you, or choose ones where it is inevitable. We like to prove to ourselves that we have a reason for our fears. The best way to do that is to find someone who can prove to us all that we hope and simultaneously fear.
My brother once asked my grandpa how it was to have lost his wife after so many years together. My grandma died of post-polio syndrome after they had spent 50 years together (or at least that is the math in my head!). Grandpa said that he thought of her every day, still, even after 18 years of her being gone. It still hurt even after all that time. My brother took this to be a reason not to commit to anyone, because to have such a hurt seemed too much to bear. He would rather not become dependent on another person and suffer their loss someday. He is also afraid of choosing the wrong partner. What if there is someone out there that is perfect for him, but he won't know because he was busy off with someone else? If he picks the perfect partner, will he be doomed to deep grief someday when he loses her? I am sad for his interpretation of those feelings, but I see in his reaction a truth that we all suffer.
What we fear we take to be permanent truth. Maybe our bodies are like that, too. When I am sick, is my body over-reacting to a perceived threat? Could the virus or bacteria be disposed of with a lot less fanfare? Why must my head ache, my limbs become sore, my nose turn into a faucet, and my throat burn? Getting up and putting on clothes made my heart race like I had run a marathon today. Is this similar to the way I panic over hurting someone's feelings? Is it similar to the way I sometimes have such disproportionate anger towards annoying circumstances?
Of course, there are times when a giant effort to ward off death is necessary and a great idea. I can see how I often treat regular everyday circumstances like they are a fight for my very life, though, even though they really aren't. By overreacting in that way, perhaps I have lost the ability to percieve clearly what is and isn't a threat.
It could be a lot more pleasant and easy to simply address what comes up each day rather than push it all into categories and try to control it. I may have a great deal of ability to get things done, but it doesn't mean that I need to control the outcome of everything I touch and become involved in. I don't even need to have such control over the particular activities of each day. When I label and decide "today is good for this, and tomorrow is good for that," but then that comes up today and this is put off until tomorrow, I get really upset. Why? It all gets done eventually, and it's been my observation that people don't really care what order I do things in as long as I do a thorough job. It is myself, finding reasons to be upset to prove that I was right to be worried about it all in the first place. If I can lose the worries, then there won't have to be panic and life or death struggles every hour. And that would be fantastic! Also, I suspect that outcomes could be a lot more powerful and exciting that way, if allowed to take their own course rather than have me in my worry and narrow-mindedness controlling it all.
I think a good goal would be to continue to be observant, but not to be worried about outcomes. Learning to be flexible about what happens liberates the emotions and probably my body by extension. By noticing what is going on and choosing my best possible actions, without worrying too much if it will or won't go the way I plan, I can learn to relax. I will have done my best, which is all I can do anyway. I will have nothing to regret. And I won't have to worry about what could have happened if I chose differently. What is happening right now is all there is. I can't change the past. I can only act right now. The future is non-existent. I can never touch it. Why worry about it? I am here.
And so, here I am, in my body which is tired and achy and sniffly. Best possible action? Turn off this computer and get more water, read my book and fall asleep. Plenty of time for contemplation tomorrow!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
No Heat
There is surely something to our moods and bodies that is linked with the seasons and the weather. Today the heat at work was once again not working properly, and it was very cold. While my spirits are up and I enjoyed working on the tattoo, both myself and my client had a hard time getting through five hours together in the cooler climate.
It's difficult to stay warm while staying relatively still. My client's limbs were cold, and eventually there was no getting around goose-bumps. My own arms and hands got progressively colder even though initially they had been warm with a rush of enthusiasm for the piece and being creative.
Tomorrow we will have the heat fixed, but this evening made me think about the rhythms of nature. When it's cold, we want to burrow and snuggle in. Focused activity should be very short. It's not a time for new projects, or long hours of intense labor. What seems to work best is lots of time for introspection, using the long dark hours for planning future endeavors, and being cozy with things just as they are. Otherwise it is just an uncomfortable struggle, even when things are going well. It is just hard-won successes.
I am going to enjoy a couple of days more of sleeping in and reading. I am not motivated to start a new campaign of work ideas right now. Truthfully, becoming more centered on what I already had going on anyway is very grounding and rewarding. I think I am doing better at it all because I am finally realizing what I already had.
I have a lot of thoughts I want to write about, but eloquence is beyond me tonight. Perhaps tomorrow, with nothing needful of doing beyond a few dishes, will be a fruitful writing day.
It's difficult to stay warm while staying relatively still. My client's limbs were cold, and eventually there was no getting around goose-bumps. My own arms and hands got progressively colder even though initially they had been warm with a rush of enthusiasm for the piece and being creative.
Tomorrow we will have the heat fixed, but this evening made me think about the rhythms of nature. When it's cold, we want to burrow and snuggle in. Focused activity should be very short. It's not a time for new projects, or long hours of intense labor. What seems to work best is lots of time for introspection, using the long dark hours for planning future endeavors, and being cozy with things just as they are. Otherwise it is just an uncomfortable struggle, even when things are going well. It is just hard-won successes.
I am going to enjoy a couple of days more of sleeping in and reading. I am not motivated to start a new campaign of work ideas right now. Truthfully, becoming more centered on what I already had going on anyway is very grounding and rewarding. I think I am doing better at it all because I am finally realizing what I already had.
I have a lot of thoughts I want to write about, but eloquence is beyond me tonight. Perhaps tomorrow, with nothing needful of doing beyond a few dishes, will be a fruitful writing day.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Brief Thought on Food and Seasons
This past year I have gotten more interested in what I eat and what it does to me or for me. While I haven't been adamant about only eating real food, or even cutting down on my ice cream and junk food intake, I have become more aware of how I feel when I eat certain things. I am naturally tending to choose real food as a result, which I think is a more lasting new habit. I hope to become even more willing to eat actual food as the years go by.
Thanksgiving is such a feasting holiday that it reminds me of what I choose to eat and what I enjoy the most. Part of Thanksgiving being so wonderful is the inclusion of friends and family, and infusing joy and love into the cooking process. I think this can only benefit whoever eats the results. Also, it is a day of actual cooking, not simply warming up an instant meal from a box. Real food! Yay!
I have been eating stew with gusto this week. I have felt a real need for something warm and thick and yummy. Hearty foods, to get me through the winter. There is a natural order to what we eat if we pay attention to the seasons and what our body craves. I want meat, and fat, starches and green beans if they are around, carrots - all of the roots. Beets would be nice, too. Cranberries, though I dislike them, are probably also good. Anything that is actually in season. Broccoli and cabbages. Cold weather foods to thicken the blood and help me stay warm in cold weather.
With strawberries available at the market, it's easy to think that we can and should eat anything we want year round. But they are not in season, and they thin the blood and help us in the summer. They drain us in the winter, or at least don't help us stay warm. Foods that launch us into hyperactivity and action are best left for Spring and Summer, not for this season of hibernation. Anyway, I was thinking about this today and wanted to remember that there is a reason our bodies cave what they crave, and when we listen to them, we will likely end up in better health.
I haven't figured out yet what alcohol does to my body beyond make my thought to action swimmy, and generally adding to asthmatic reactions if I am having any. It is not good for me, but I still enjoy it - perhaps that is the only thing it is good for!
Here's to good cooking this evening into tomorrow. I can't wait for our Thanksgiving feast!
Thanksgiving is such a feasting holiday that it reminds me of what I choose to eat and what I enjoy the most. Part of Thanksgiving being so wonderful is the inclusion of friends and family, and infusing joy and love into the cooking process. I think this can only benefit whoever eats the results. Also, it is a day of actual cooking, not simply warming up an instant meal from a box. Real food! Yay!
I have been eating stew with gusto this week. I have felt a real need for something warm and thick and yummy. Hearty foods, to get me through the winter. There is a natural order to what we eat if we pay attention to the seasons and what our body craves. I want meat, and fat, starches and green beans if they are around, carrots - all of the roots. Beets would be nice, too. Cranberries, though I dislike them, are probably also good. Anything that is actually in season. Broccoli and cabbages. Cold weather foods to thicken the blood and help me stay warm in cold weather.
With strawberries available at the market, it's easy to think that we can and should eat anything we want year round. But they are not in season, and they thin the blood and help us in the summer. They drain us in the winter, or at least don't help us stay warm. Foods that launch us into hyperactivity and action are best left for Spring and Summer, not for this season of hibernation. Anyway, I was thinking about this today and wanted to remember that there is a reason our bodies cave what they crave, and when we listen to them, we will likely end up in better health.
I haven't figured out yet what alcohol does to my body beyond make my thought to action swimmy, and generally adding to asthmatic reactions if I am having any. It is not good for me, but I still enjoy it - perhaps that is the only thing it is good for!
Here's to good cooking this evening into tomorrow. I can't wait for our Thanksgiving feast!
Fisrt Look at Meridians
Though I was a bit run down, I am glad that I went to my first Kosho class on Tuesday night, and stayed for the philosophy class as well. I had a hard time concentrating in the second one, but did manage to get through. I worked yesterday and then went to bed early. I slept nearly 11 hours straight and am thinking of taking a nap soon. This cold is very draining!
We worked on learning meridians of energy and which organs and elements each meridian corresponds to. I remember a few of them and am getting more familiar with the elements in general and which organs correspond to them. I am thrilled to have found an entire school of people who work with energy and understand it. This is something I have been doing on my own for years but with no informed knowledge. It is great to get some insight into why energy moves the way it does, and the ways it gets caught or stagnant.
I think I am good at feeling energy and noticing the nature of it, at least a little bit. I have been aware of it for many years, and used to be able to name who had come into a room without hearing or seeing them, just based on feeling. I stopped that over a decade ago because it seemed to be unusual and made people nervous. I stopped paying attention. But it is true that our senses extend well beyond our bodies, and once we become aware of that, we can digest a lot more about the world around us.
Where do I stop and you begin? Is it as far as I can see? Smell? Taste? Hear? Is it how far my influence extends? Limiting ourselves to our physical bodies is arbitrary and limiting, though I believe that my body is a core of myself. Perhaps it is the most concentrated portion of myself there is. But my mind can travel vast distances instantly, I can hear sounds from miles away and occasionally see as far. Tattoos I have created are all over the world, a part of the people who asked for them. My words and actions have effected hundreds of people. We are not so cut off. And we don't have to be as ignorant of this fact as to deny the senses we experience that are beyond our body.
I am very excited to learn the directions that energy moves, and the body parts that are associated with different elements and emotions and physical disorders. I think that understanding these things will improve what I can give in tattooing. It could make placement even more purposeful, and give more insight into individual's needs with the imagery they choose for a particular area. There could be great healing in combining this knowledge with tattooing, and I am happy to be finding a way to learn it. This feels like knowledge that should have been known by everyone, but got lost somehow.
I continually have so much that I want to learn and apply to living. Starting with healing myself, I am getting a personal look into how our bodies and minds work. It's fascinating!
We worked on learning meridians of energy and which organs and elements each meridian corresponds to. I remember a few of them and am getting more familiar with the elements in general and which organs correspond to them. I am thrilled to have found an entire school of people who work with energy and understand it. This is something I have been doing on my own for years but with no informed knowledge. It is great to get some insight into why energy moves the way it does, and the ways it gets caught or stagnant.
I think I am good at feeling energy and noticing the nature of it, at least a little bit. I have been aware of it for many years, and used to be able to name who had come into a room without hearing or seeing them, just based on feeling. I stopped that over a decade ago because it seemed to be unusual and made people nervous. I stopped paying attention. But it is true that our senses extend well beyond our bodies, and once we become aware of that, we can digest a lot more about the world around us.
Where do I stop and you begin? Is it as far as I can see? Smell? Taste? Hear? Is it how far my influence extends? Limiting ourselves to our physical bodies is arbitrary and limiting, though I believe that my body is a core of myself. Perhaps it is the most concentrated portion of myself there is. But my mind can travel vast distances instantly, I can hear sounds from miles away and occasionally see as far. Tattoos I have created are all over the world, a part of the people who asked for them. My words and actions have effected hundreds of people. We are not so cut off. And we don't have to be as ignorant of this fact as to deny the senses we experience that are beyond our body.
I am very excited to learn the directions that energy moves, and the body parts that are associated with different elements and emotions and physical disorders. I think that understanding these things will improve what I can give in tattooing. It could make placement even more purposeful, and give more insight into individual's needs with the imagery they choose for a particular area. There could be great healing in combining this knowledge with tattooing, and I am happy to be finding a way to learn it. This feels like knowledge that should have been known by everyone, but got lost somehow.
I continually have so much that I want to learn and apply to living. Starting with healing myself, I am getting a personal look into how our bodies and minds work. It's fascinating!
Monday, November 22, 2010
Joining Kosho Shorei Shin Kai
I just finished hemming my gi for Tuesday night. I am so happy to have figured out a way to join the dojo! While money is very short right now, I do have time, and I was able to work out a trade with Sensei to paint new acupuncture charts for his studio. In return, I can study for the year. Yay! I am very excited.
I am not a great seamstress, but I think I did an allright job on the arms and legs of my uniform. The outfit feels very bulky to me, but once it was trimmed down it felt much better. I guess there are a lot of very tall people that take these classes - wow! I had to cut off nearly 9" off the legs. I am looking forward to tomorrow night and beginning some training.
It's been 15 years since I took a martial arts class. I wonder if it will come back naturally, or if what I remember will be a hindrance, as I am no longer studying the same style. I am not too worried about it. The memories are distant, and I am happy to learn something new.
Having a large painting project to look forward to is also nice. I am excited to work on figurative paintings, and making more interesting charts than what is already on the walls. We will be overlaying Eight-Principle style acupuncture and Five-Element style acupuncture points. As far as Sensei knows, this has not yet been created on paper. It is rewarding to be working on something so new. Both styles of medicine are thousands of years old. Combining them is rare, though. Few people study both methods.
There is a peace that comes from routines. Even though I haven't yet tried out this new one, I am feeling very pleased that a new structure will be surfacing in my life. I function well within structure, as long as I am allowed to experiment within it. I like having goals and lots to occupy my busy mind. I especially like having new things to learn because I feel that learning is full of fun and good thoughts, whereas without a goal or new subject to study, my thoughts become a jumble of foolishness.
It occurs to me that this is an aspect of water, also. It likes to mold to the form of what surrounds it, and is quick to absorb everything. It can take in flavors and objects and ideas and make them a part of itself, or sift it to the bottom, or float it on the top. It wants to flow easily, and doesn't need anything more than gravity to create canyons and restructure the land. With a decent framework, water can be magnificent - irrigating fields, home to coral reefs, leaping from mountainsides in glorious falls. Without a framework, or in a less pleasant ones, it can become host to sewage and bogs, full of rot and collecting waste. With water as my primary constitution, it would be wise to remember that I am prone to collecting whatever gets thrown at me. I am also capable of quite a lot of good and beauty if I make sure to travel within structures that support and encourage growth and development.
I am not a great seamstress, but I think I did an allright job on the arms and legs of my uniform. The outfit feels very bulky to me, but once it was trimmed down it felt much better. I guess there are a lot of very tall people that take these classes - wow! I had to cut off nearly 9" off the legs. I am looking forward to tomorrow night and beginning some training.
It's been 15 years since I took a martial arts class. I wonder if it will come back naturally, or if what I remember will be a hindrance, as I am no longer studying the same style. I am not too worried about it. The memories are distant, and I am happy to learn something new.
Having a large painting project to look forward to is also nice. I am excited to work on figurative paintings, and making more interesting charts than what is already on the walls. We will be overlaying Eight-Principle style acupuncture and Five-Element style acupuncture points. As far as Sensei knows, this has not yet been created on paper. It is rewarding to be working on something so new. Both styles of medicine are thousands of years old. Combining them is rare, though. Few people study both methods.
There is a peace that comes from routines. Even though I haven't yet tried out this new one, I am feeling very pleased that a new structure will be surfacing in my life. I function well within structure, as long as I am allowed to experiment within it. I like having goals and lots to occupy my busy mind. I especially like having new things to learn because I feel that learning is full of fun and good thoughts, whereas without a goal or new subject to study, my thoughts become a jumble of foolishness.
It occurs to me that this is an aspect of water, also. It likes to mold to the form of what surrounds it, and is quick to absorb everything. It can take in flavors and objects and ideas and make them a part of itself, or sift it to the bottom, or float it on the top. It wants to flow easily, and doesn't need anything more than gravity to create canyons and restructure the land. With a decent framework, water can be magnificent - irrigating fields, home to coral reefs, leaping from mountainsides in glorious falls. Without a framework, or in a less pleasant ones, it can become host to sewage and bogs, full of rot and collecting waste. With water as my primary constitution, it would be wise to remember that I am prone to collecting whatever gets thrown at me. I am also capable of quite a lot of good and beauty if I make sure to travel within structures that support and encourage growth and development.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Sickness
I have had a tickle in the back of my throat for over a week now. Having had lots of travel before me, I pushed through my days without allowing myself to get sick. This is something I think many of us do. We will delay illness to complete what we consider important. I made it through a convention, a wedding, and a day of work before a bout of asthma added itself to the mix. This evening, I am allowing myself to succumb to the cold.
Within an hour of this decision, a cough has surfaced, I am sneezing, and my throat is well on its way to becoming truly sore. How amazing we are that we can know that sickness is coming, but put it off for weeks just for convenience sake!
Our bodies are a marvel. I wonder how quickly we would recover from illnesses if we actually rested at the beginning of them rather than pushing rest off until the last possible moment? I won't know this time. I pretended I didn't need rest and recovery for at least seven days. If this compounded the amount of time I will now suffer, I am unable to know by how much. I suspect that for each delayed hour a sickness gains deeper tenure in our cells. If handled immediately, we could perhaps spare ourselves hours and days of incapacitation. I expect to be laid up through tomorrow at least.
Interestingly, I am looking forward to it. It's a weird aspect of my lifestyle that I feel I need the excuse of sickness in order to slow down and lay low sometimes. I want to get better at claiming breaks as much as activity. But for now, in the early stages of my progress towards becoming a balanced human being, sickness allows for a break in a much more immediate and tangible way than simply knowing I should take one. Now I need one. Hehehe.
Within an hour of this decision, a cough has surfaced, I am sneezing, and my throat is well on its way to becoming truly sore. How amazing we are that we can know that sickness is coming, but put it off for weeks just for convenience sake!
Our bodies are a marvel. I wonder how quickly we would recover from illnesses if we actually rested at the beginning of them rather than pushing rest off until the last possible moment? I won't know this time. I pretended I didn't need rest and recovery for at least seven days. If this compounded the amount of time I will now suffer, I am unable to know by how much. I suspect that for each delayed hour a sickness gains deeper tenure in our cells. If handled immediately, we could perhaps spare ourselves hours and days of incapacitation. I expect to be laid up through tomorrow at least.
Interestingly, I am looking forward to it. It's a weird aspect of my lifestyle that I feel I need the excuse of sickness in order to slow down and lay low sometimes. I want to get better at claiming breaks as much as activity. But for now, in the early stages of my progress towards becoming a balanced human being, sickness allows for a break in a much more immediate and tangible way than simply knowing I should take one. Now I need one. Hehehe.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Work and Vacations
Having just been on two trips in one week, I pondered the concept of vacations. What is a vacation? Is it a luxury trip away from home? A treat for oneself? Simply a day off from work? There is a lot of expectation caught up in the concept of vacations, and I wonder why something that is supposedly such a good fun thing can be stressful.
To me, a vacation should be about doing something fun for yourself or with others. It should be a break from working, with no obligation to do anything in particular. Simultaneously, I seem to consider weekends a vacation, and any time away from working to be a vacation.
This leads to some stress, as days off from going to work often have obligations. Dishes need to get done, the house needs cleaning, the pets need food, shopping has to happen, and often there are family functions or extra work from the studio that followed me home. If it's vacation time, these things shouldn't be plaguing me! And, long stretches of time away from work are often cluttered with other obligations, even if they are on the surface "fun" things to do. For instance, a Disney vacation would include having to get up early to take shuttles to the various parks, and a need to be at the parks as long as possible to make up for the amount of money one spends on the tickets in the first place. It all becomes a justification of how I spend my money and time. Because of this expectation of freedom and ability to follow whatever whim I want, I am often disappointed.
I think that I have some kind of expectation that time off or a vacation needs to be about relaxing or about getting something for myself. Anything that contradicts or impedes that expectation causes annoyance and irritation. And those are two emotions that I don't want to have on my vacation! Because unexpected things always come up, though, vacations inevitably become frustrating to me. Could enjoying my time be as simple as losing the concept of vacation?
If I no longer feel that I need to be in a constant state of grace and relaxation, automatically pressure about how I am spending my time lessens. Doing the dishes is no big deal. Visiting my family could be fun instead of time spent away from mind-numbing video games (which is part of vacation - right?) If I feel like answering an email about work, it won't cause undue stress because I shouldn't have to do that right now. I have all sorts of expectations about what I should be allowed to do when, it turns out!
When did I get these ideas? Were there always vacation days and luxury trips to be taken throughout history? I suspect that the concept of vacations and time off are pretty recent, and have to do with the incredible amount of effort we put into working these days. Work that is not necessarily for self or even for the community, but for corporations and businesses that make little sense to us and that we have little pride in being a part of. Work to prove that we are worthy of belonging in our society in the form of many clubs and activities we join. Work to increase our property and wealth. Even work to keep up with vast social networks full of people we barely know and honestly don't care too deeply about. It gets us excited and exhausted, and then we need a break or we will collapse. Is this how weekends were born? Two days off instead of one sabbath resting day in order to catch up with all of the personal work that gets left behind after five days of rushing around for everyone else?
The concept of vacation time, and retirement - when did these spring to life? Why do we expect and even require weeks off or years off from our occupations? I am not saying that it is wrong or that I don't want my time off - I do! But I wonder why our work loads and careers have become so burdensome that we need weeks away from them and desire to leave work as soon as possible in life and never work again. We are wearing ourselves out and hating the process as we get there.
This feels like a very sorry truth, at least in the society I live in. I know almost nobody who loves what they do for a living and wants to keep doing it until they die. A few of my painter friends, maybe a few tattoo artists love their work and want to do it forever. I do. But even I don't want to have to keep up with the very demanding pace I have set for myself at this early point in life. It's simply impossible to keep up with when I consider possibly 70 more years of existence. At my current pace I will be physically and emotionally broken within 20 years. That leaves 50 additional years in which I would be either a burden to others due to having hurt myself and becoming incapable of working, or more likely 10 - 20 years in which that would be true as I rapidly deteriorate and die. That is horrible, and I won't let that happen.
In order to reverse this trend of overwork, I need to really pin down what it is that is causing the stress and exhaustion so that I can change my pattern. In doing so, I could truly make work a part of living instead of working for some unknown goal and forgetting that everything I do is a part of my life.
The way we compartmentalize our existence seems to be a large part of the root of this issue. By separating work from "our lives", we let work get away with being very annoying. We let ourselves do things we don't want to do just to get through it, since it's only work. We can justify doing way too much work because it supposedly is to make "our life" better. We can be lazy at work because it isn't very meaningful to us, or we can overwork because we make it so important to our identity.
When we choose to suffer through activities, either for ourselves or for others, why are we doing it? What do we believe we are gaining? We often joke about how money is the root of all evil, but money is just money. Could it be that we are trying to say that the work we do for it is evil or in some way wrong? I think this could be closer to the truth.
The typical person in my circle spends almost 1.5 X more time working than doing anything other than working during their waking time. (I am assuming an 8 hour work day with about an hour of travel for five days per week, and eight hours of sleep per night). This work is just for their job. It does not include other life necessities, such as cleaning their kitchen, preparing meals, shopping, taking a shower. It doesn't include raising children, or time spent doing other activities like soccer, or theater, or taking a class. If you factor in time for shopping and food and cleaning and bathing, one's "leisure" time gets smaller. Now you might have about 4 hours per work day free, and 13 hours on a weekend. Of your 112 waking hours in a week, 46 are left for resting, spending time with friends, joining an activity or church, taking a class, or raising your children. This assumes that you are not working multiple jobs, commuting more than a half hour each way, or taking your work home with you. Only 40% of your waking life is yours to decide what to do with once you become a slave to your job. And that is probably why we all want vacations beyond our usual weekends, and dream of retiring to a state of life where we can choose what we want to do for once. With less than half of our life in our hands to direct, it is little wonder we choose to spend it escaping into TV and video games. We'd rather dream of enjoyment than wake up and attain enjoyment.
How can we do this? I am not sure yet, but I think it lies in choosing to act in a way that we respect in ourselves. We could choose professions that we find meaningful and choose to do our best with it out of respect for ourselves. In doing something well or to the best of our ability and believing it is benefiting others as well as ourselves, we can find happiness. But thinking that we will be happy after we are done working feels like an empty hope. Also, if we can find happiness in our profession, it no longer feels like work, and can become a part of living instead of an obligation that allows us to live some other time.
I am reminded of the virtue of honor, which seems lost in our society. If we could find honor in our work, honor in its service, we would certainly find more respect for ourselves. There is pleasure in self-respect. For me, at least, the key to needing less breaks from my life will hinge on finding the honorable aspect of my service to others. Without it, I will continue to flounder and find my efforts worthless. With it, I will have the self-respect and respect for others to take my time with all aspects of my work. I can't reasonably expect to produce results quickly 100% of the time, nor should I. But with thoroughness and intention, a lot can be accomplished with much less rushing and effort. Enjoyment could have time to manifest in the actions. The work could enhance other areas of my life and all could become a study of unfolding honoring of circumstances, people and beauty. It could be fun, and even a reason to live instead of an annoying way to live some other time. I really want to do this!
Next time I feel like I need a vacation, I will remember that it is probably because I have lost the meaning in my actions. It will be OK for me to take a break and regroup. But ultimately, I'd like to live a life where I don't feel like I need a break from my reality as much as I have so far. It's attainable, and I will do it. :)
To me, a vacation should be about doing something fun for yourself or with others. It should be a break from working, with no obligation to do anything in particular. Simultaneously, I seem to consider weekends a vacation, and any time away from working to be a vacation.
This leads to some stress, as days off from going to work often have obligations. Dishes need to get done, the house needs cleaning, the pets need food, shopping has to happen, and often there are family functions or extra work from the studio that followed me home. If it's vacation time, these things shouldn't be plaguing me! And, long stretches of time away from work are often cluttered with other obligations, even if they are on the surface "fun" things to do. For instance, a Disney vacation would include having to get up early to take shuttles to the various parks, and a need to be at the parks as long as possible to make up for the amount of money one spends on the tickets in the first place. It all becomes a justification of how I spend my money and time. Because of this expectation of freedom and ability to follow whatever whim I want, I am often disappointed.
I think that I have some kind of expectation that time off or a vacation needs to be about relaxing or about getting something for myself. Anything that contradicts or impedes that expectation causes annoyance and irritation. And those are two emotions that I don't want to have on my vacation! Because unexpected things always come up, though, vacations inevitably become frustrating to me. Could enjoying my time be as simple as losing the concept of vacation?
If I no longer feel that I need to be in a constant state of grace and relaxation, automatically pressure about how I am spending my time lessens. Doing the dishes is no big deal. Visiting my family could be fun instead of time spent away from mind-numbing video games (which is part of vacation - right?) If I feel like answering an email about work, it won't cause undue stress because I shouldn't have to do that right now. I have all sorts of expectations about what I should be allowed to do when, it turns out!
When did I get these ideas? Were there always vacation days and luxury trips to be taken throughout history? I suspect that the concept of vacations and time off are pretty recent, and have to do with the incredible amount of effort we put into working these days. Work that is not necessarily for self or even for the community, but for corporations and businesses that make little sense to us and that we have little pride in being a part of. Work to prove that we are worthy of belonging in our society in the form of many clubs and activities we join. Work to increase our property and wealth. Even work to keep up with vast social networks full of people we barely know and honestly don't care too deeply about. It gets us excited and exhausted, and then we need a break or we will collapse. Is this how weekends were born? Two days off instead of one sabbath resting day in order to catch up with all of the personal work that gets left behind after five days of rushing around for everyone else?
The concept of vacation time, and retirement - when did these spring to life? Why do we expect and even require weeks off or years off from our occupations? I am not saying that it is wrong or that I don't want my time off - I do! But I wonder why our work loads and careers have become so burdensome that we need weeks away from them and desire to leave work as soon as possible in life and never work again. We are wearing ourselves out and hating the process as we get there.
This feels like a very sorry truth, at least in the society I live in. I know almost nobody who loves what they do for a living and wants to keep doing it until they die. A few of my painter friends, maybe a few tattoo artists love their work and want to do it forever. I do. But even I don't want to have to keep up with the very demanding pace I have set for myself at this early point in life. It's simply impossible to keep up with when I consider possibly 70 more years of existence. At my current pace I will be physically and emotionally broken within 20 years. That leaves 50 additional years in which I would be either a burden to others due to having hurt myself and becoming incapable of working, or more likely 10 - 20 years in which that would be true as I rapidly deteriorate and die. That is horrible, and I won't let that happen.
In order to reverse this trend of overwork, I need to really pin down what it is that is causing the stress and exhaustion so that I can change my pattern. In doing so, I could truly make work a part of living instead of working for some unknown goal and forgetting that everything I do is a part of my life.
The way we compartmentalize our existence seems to be a large part of the root of this issue. By separating work from "our lives", we let work get away with being very annoying. We let ourselves do things we don't want to do just to get through it, since it's only work. We can justify doing way too much work because it supposedly is to make "our life" better. We can be lazy at work because it isn't very meaningful to us, or we can overwork because we make it so important to our identity.
When we choose to suffer through activities, either for ourselves or for others, why are we doing it? What do we believe we are gaining? We often joke about how money is the root of all evil, but money is just money. Could it be that we are trying to say that the work we do for it is evil or in some way wrong? I think this could be closer to the truth.
The typical person in my circle spends almost 1.5 X more time working than doing anything other than working during their waking time. (I am assuming an 8 hour work day with about an hour of travel for five days per week, and eight hours of sleep per night). This work is just for their job. It does not include other life necessities, such as cleaning their kitchen, preparing meals, shopping, taking a shower. It doesn't include raising children, or time spent doing other activities like soccer, or theater, or taking a class. If you factor in time for shopping and food and cleaning and bathing, one's "leisure" time gets smaller. Now you might have about 4 hours per work day free, and 13 hours on a weekend. Of your 112 waking hours in a week, 46 are left for resting, spending time with friends, joining an activity or church, taking a class, or raising your children. This assumes that you are not working multiple jobs, commuting more than a half hour each way, or taking your work home with you. Only 40% of your waking life is yours to decide what to do with once you become a slave to your job. And that is probably why we all want vacations beyond our usual weekends, and dream of retiring to a state of life where we can choose what we want to do for once. With less than half of our life in our hands to direct, it is little wonder we choose to spend it escaping into TV and video games. We'd rather dream of enjoyment than wake up and attain enjoyment.
How can we do this? I am not sure yet, but I think it lies in choosing to act in a way that we respect in ourselves. We could choose professions that we find meaningful and choose to do our best with it out of respect for ourselves. In doing something well or to the best of our ability and believing it is benefiting others as well as ourselves, we can find happiness. But thinking that we will be happy after we are done working feels like an empty hope. Also, if we can find happiness in our profession, it no longer feels like work, and can become a part of living instead of an obligation that allows us to live some other time.
I am reminded of the virtue of honor, which seems lost in our society. If we could find honor in our work, honor in its service, we would certainly find more respect for ourselves. There is pleasure in self-respect. For me, at least, the key to needing less breaks from my life will hinge on finding the honorable aspect of my service to others. Without it, I will continue to flounder and find my efforts worthless. With it, I will have the self-respect and respect for others to take my time with all aspects of my work. I can't reasonably expect to produce results quickly 100% of the time, nor should I. But with thoroughness and intention, a lot can be accomplished with much less rushing and effort. Enjoyment could have time to manifest in the actions. The work could enhance other areas of my life and all could become a study of unfolding honoring of circumstances, people and beauty. It could be fun, and even a reason to live instead of an annoying way to live some other time. I really want to do this!
Next time I feel like I need a vacation, I will remember that it is probably because I have lost the meaning in my actions. It will be OK for me to take a break and regroup. But ultimately, I'd like to live a life where I don't feel like I need a break from my reality as much as I have so far. It's attainable, and I will do it. :)
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