Friday, January 21, 2011

Conflicting Desires

The weeks are flying by this January!  Much as I know that as we get older time seems to pass more quickly, it never stops surprising me.  Already we are over halfway through the first month of the year.  A good aspect to this year is that the Three Things mantra really seems to be working out well.  I have gotten a lot done in three weeks, including a painting, lots of planing for the business with events and contacts, and have even set up for my class at Earthfire Institute in the summer.

Doing tasks one at a time with only three major goals per day, however small they are, is giving my life a steady pace without a huge amount of stress.  I've also been finding that I am more willing to open up and say what I mean more often, which is a blessing.  I have found it very difficult to feel vulnerable and if I get hurt once, I tend to close off that entire aspect of my life from the one who hurt me.  I am learning to be more honest with myself about doing that, and seeing more clearly when and why it happens.

In return for this hard look at myself and seeing some of the crud that I have left there, my relationships across the board are on a huge upswing.  As it turns out, even though I fear it, nobody is actually out to hurt me.  It's even embarrassing to admit that I felt that way, so I think I even kept it from myself.  Somewhere in my heart I was very scared that people find me funny and hold onto ways that I am stupid or ridiculous and make fun of me.  I worried that they wanted to take control of everything from me because they think I can't do it well myself.  I'm tired of being that insecure, and am hoping that I can find ways to love and accept even these parts of myself that are fearful children.

It has been a snowy January this year, and we've had the studio closed several days already.  This will be the fourth day closed for snow this month, maybe the fifth.  I am really glad we worked the last week of December into January!  Even with the weather being uncooperative, we have been getting steadily busier.  I am excited about the flow of people and picturing an even larger flow of clients into the business.  I am also looking forward to the transition to a more tattoo oriented space this year.

At home, we've been eating down our freezer downstairs.  We had lots of meat from my dad's hunting, and from gathering "deals" over the last two or three years.  I am glad to be clearing it out, it feels like one step closer to actually being present or being ready to move to another space.  We are starting to clear out this one - yay!  It's a nice parallel to the way I have been clearing out my soul a bit.  It feels at times uncomfortable, but overall a lot lighter and easier to work with.  And often, even delightful and happy, which is always nice.  Tonight we are having ribs and potatoes and maybe some green beans.  Yum!

This process of unfolding the more hidden aspects of myself and noticing them is making me fairly untalkative.  I have a lot of, "Oh wow!  I totally didn't realize I felt this way," moments, and "Ah, that's what I have been doing, interesting," realizations.  Once I see why I am doing something, I am able to decide whether it's an effective way to deal with the world or not.  Most of the time it hasn't been, but I have been able to be kind to myself in at least understanding why I did things, or the motivation behind them.  So much of what I do hasn't been conscious, even though I had believed that I was pretty aware of what I do and how I feel.  I actually have buried so much of my honest feelings from the surface in order to feel safe and protected that my actions are pretty fragmented versions of what I think I want.  I have been out of touch with my basic feelings and motivations, and only aware of the feelings that overly them.  No wonder life got so confusing and painful!  The things I was trying to do were not in accord with what I thought were my motivations, so I got confused and spent a lot of time combating symptoms rather than causes of my situations.  This is probably what medicine is like, too - combating symptoms all the time because the causes are so unclear due to people protecting themselves from their real issues.  Humans are so tricky!

Right now I am just practicing noticing reality (harder than one would think), and accepting my strange responses to life.  I am seeing how much I like to have immediate gratification to every whim, and how often I pursue that.  Also, I am seeing how often my every whim isn't actually in line with what I really want deep down, but is a way to avoid being patient, working at something, or trusting that everything is coming to me that I want already.  I think I get in my own way a lot by trying to deliver results to myself when if I could just trust that the universe is working properly and I will get what I want pretty quickly with less interference on my part.  Trust is going to be a keynote this year for me.

It seems time to eat breakfast and go shovel the driveway so Derek can get in OK.  Ahh, snow.  Please end sometime soon.  We have enough right now.  Thanks.  :)

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