Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Snow and How it Paralyzes Me

Phobias are no joke.  I have had several bad incidents with driving on snowy and icy winter roads.  Today it was snowing, but I was told that the roads weren't bad, so off I went thinking I would make it to my acupuncture appointment and then to work with no trouble at all.

About a half hour into my drive, and only halfway to the coast, I pulled off the highway to a gas station in tears and called Lari while I sobbed and wondered what to do.  The roads seemed horrible to me, full of slush and barely plowed.  Too many cars, I hated the occasional shimmy that my car would make on some snow or slush, and I just wasn't sure if I would make it to work.  I canceled my acupuncture appointment since I was already late, canceled my dentist appointment for Thursday since it is supposed to snow then, too, and then shook and cried while watching the monsterous snow flakes fall onto my car in the parking lot.

Eventually, I decided since I was already halfway to work, and had two appointments to do, I would just breathe and drive and get there.  The rest of the drive was stressful and to me, horrible.  Once in New London, it was fine, as apparently they have enough traffic on their roads to melt the snow.  Our parking lot was bad, lots of soft snow on top of ice.  I hated it.  But I got there.

I hate feeling an honest fear for my life in situations that require me to be in vehicles in the snow.  I feel weak and foolish and know that I am in some instances overreacting, but I know from experience that the illusion of control over one's vehicle in snowy conditions is just that, an illusion.  Tap your brakes once and shimmy the wrong way, and you can end up upsidedown in a ditch, flung off a highway, or with your car completely accordioned around another car.  It's scary, and unpredictable, and I don't want to feel that kind of helplessness just because I somehow think I "need" to be somewhere that day.  I really think I should stop pushing myself to get over this, as every time I try I end up in a heap of tears and nerves, or else with a broken car in the shop, and with tears and nerves.

Blaaaaahhhhhh!  I spend a lot of time hating the snow and weather, but maybe what I am really hating is that I really don't want to leave in that weather and drive or be driven anywhere, and I am upset because I feel like I should do it anyway, or be able to.  Perhaps one of my limitations in life, as annoying as it is to me and others, is that I just can't and won't drive in the snow.  Is that really that horrible?  Winter is only 1/4 of the year.  And it only snows about 1/4 of the time in the winter.  So for 1/8 of the year, I just won't go out or work because it's too damned scary for me.  And you know what?  If I don't die, I can work and go out the rest of the year.  Which is a lot of time, if I don't die.

It's going to snow another 10 inches tomorrow.  It did at least three today.  We have gotten at least 3 feet of snow already this winter and it isn't even February yet, which I think of as the snowiest time of year.  Fuck you winter roads and all your stupid lack of plowing or being safe.  ARGHHHHH!!!!

No comments: