Saturday, November 6, 2010

Shooting Myself in the Foot

Our expectations of how life should be going can really get us amped up and disappointed as our circumstances flow through desirable and less desirable outcomes.  I have been locked in a struggle with my expectations for myself and my business for some weeks now, and am trying to teach myself ways to get out of this cycle of pain.  Yes, proactive measures need to be taken to ensure that the business doesn't spin out of control financially, but I also must not get so upset about things not being perfect that I shoot myself in the foot.

I might have a tendency to do that, of which I haven't been aware.  When a project or friendship, or anything else in my life gets too far off of the path I had set for it, I begin to waver in my commitment to it.  Another idea seems a lot more shiny and doable.  I could make money elsewhere, or hang out with a new friend, or start a new painting rather than finish the one I started and find a way to make it work.  It's not a quality I find very charming in myself, and that's probably why I haven't noticed it.  I don't want to see myself as fickle or one who gives up easily.

I suppose I justify my emotional melt-downs and eventual giving up on projects (or transitions to new ones) by believing that I wait a really long time to abandon something.  I didn't give up easily, so the giving up doesn't count somehow in my mind.  In learning how not to give up I am needing to face difficult situations that would once have had me running for the door screaming.

Money is such a hard issue, so caught up in my self worth and worthiness of existing.  To carry a balance that is half what I started out with, and then watch it halve again is terrifying.  To fear that if circumstances continue in this vein I will need to reduce hours for people or face us all losing our jobs is upsetting when I know how much we all have committed to this endeavor taking off and doing well.

What I see is that I need to apply myself more rather than give up on my business or leave it to everyone else.  I let myself get overwhelmed by taking on too many projects and spread myself very thin over the last year.  What was already difficult for me became more than I could manage, even though I thought I could handle it all.  Perhaps by no longer having to handle it all, I let so many things take their own course that they eventually became far more expensive than I had ever thought possible.  By letting myself feel like I had more time to play with and more time to do more work projects with, I ended up shooting a little too far for my first year in a new location.  It was an incredible year, but I tried way too many new things.  Now my spirits, my vitality and my pocket book are all drained, and I am left wondering how I can maintain what we started, or bring it back down to manageable levels so we can recover.

It's good to see where I am at rather than running from it.  In this place of seeing more of reality, even when it is a reality that is not one I'd like to see, I am in a place of power.  I am able to choose actions that will correct my situation.  I am able to move forward rather than react and move backwards.  This is a blessing, even though it sucks.

Also, it is good to keep positive and be grateful for all of the good outcomes and progress.  I can feel good about all of the wonderful things I have done, and that we all have done, and realize that we are capable of anything we put our minds to.  Eventually, all there is is choosing productive and worthwhile actions again and again.  With time and patience, I will be able to see more and more clearly which actions are appropriate and pass over the many hundreds of actions I could make that would be a waste of energy.  So in the end, I will choose to look at even this "bad" or less than stellar situation I am so concerned to find myself in as a good opportunity for me to wake up and learn how to choose more effectively and efficiently in my life. 

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