My husband brought up an interesting observation about me this afternoon, and I am thinking about what it means for me. He observed that I seem to be unable to ever give a definitive answer about what I want or would like. I often agree that something would be nice, but almost never do I actually say I want something or firmly commit to anything. Ah, more truth.
This inability to deeply feel wanting of anything is something I think I have cultivated in myself, but that I don't believe is serving me all that well. In my head, not wanting much was a good thing, a sign of not being attached to worldly possessions or circumstances. But as much as that seems like a great trait to have, it leads me to a lot of misery and confusion. In trying not to get too attached to anything or anyone, I end up mucking up a lot of things, and can see how it leads to a lack of follow-through with projects, since they cease to matter much to me after a while with that attitude.
Also tied in with this to an extent is the desire to make everyone else happy above myself. Since I don't seem to care what I am doing or have, I go out of my way to help others have what I think they want. But actually, this is likely subconsciously self-serving, me trying to get what I want without me knowing what it is I want. Hmm.
What's interesting is that as soon as I pick something I actually want, it usually pops up and happens fairly quickly. Perhaps it would be best to be a lot more clear on wants, and stop judging them all as bad. It is not bad to want money, to want a home close to work, to want vacations with my husband and a nicer wardrobe. It's only that I judge wanting those things as petty. I think I should want "bigger" things, like peace and transcendence and unconditional love for all. Perhaps if I would relax and do and get what I want, those bigger things would happen all on their own.
I only sabotage myself by starting to become materially sound and then putting on the brakes and thinking about how it can't last, or it isn't worth continuing to focus on. The same is true for my relationships with Derek and friends and family - I start to become close and then fear that I could become too dependent on these other people, so I pull away and find excuses to withdraw. The irony is that I am already dependent on everyone, and they on me, too. Isolating myself or impeding my progress is hurting all of us, not just myself.
This blog is becoming a bit heavy with these darker self-realizations. I suppose I am writing about them to get them out of my head and to remember I had them. But, there are also many bright realizations and happinesses occurring right now. Next blog post will be about all of the many things I have to be thankful for!