Saturday, February 5, 2011

Lightening Up

This morning was the first day I have woken up really happy in a while.  It was awesome!  I actually wiggled my toes and thought, "I love me!"  I would like to wake up every morning like that.  :)

Work is sorting itself out.  Lots going on, but flowing nicely.  I am letting go of being angry every time I get snowed out.  My road stresses me greatly, as it's become a narrow, lumpy sheet of ice with shelves of ice along the edges that are high and uneven.  But, it is raining today and warmish tomorrow, so perhaps the jagged lumps will diminish and become drivable again soon.

Two days ago on my way into work I was stressing on the road adjacent to ours, heading to the highway.  I was going slow, about 20mph, when 5 deer frolicked across the road with glee.  I say they were happy because there was much neck-tossing and a jubilant air about them as they leaped across the road.  I fortunately saw them heading through the woods and was already decelerating and braking well before they reached it.  Good thing, too, as I fishtailed and came to a stop much later than I would have hoped, even being prepared for that.  The sixth deer was going the other way, into the woods instead of heading to the field.  I am glad I saw them, but it does make me feel justified in avoiding the roads on icy conditions even more.  If I can't stop well at 20mph, how can anyone expect to at 30 or 40, which is what everyone else seems to travel at on my roads?

Even so, I am feeling happy and glad today.  We got half of the acupuncture chart model shoot done.  I had expected both models to show up but one couldn't make it last minute.  And even that isn't bothering me much.  I have plenty to work on for now, and am glad.

Things that I have been doing lately that seem to help with my mood and general level of happiness:  I am reading more and taking time to do so.  I have read almost a book a week for two weeks now.  I like it a lot!  I am remembering to be thankful for the good things I do have and am making a big deal of it to myself whenever I can remember to.  And I am working on my own art a bit more as well. 

Things that are good that are coming out of this shift:  I am calmer, with the reading, than I am with more tv or games.  That is nice.  I am seeing where I have fallen out of being a good leader at work, and am starting to think of ways to shift my role back into a good space.  I want to tattoo more and get more done there.  I am happy to have people to lean on, but want them to be able to lean on me.  Otherwise I am just a boss and not a leader or any kind of good example at all.  While it's not fun to see where I haven't been living up to my standards, it is leading to growth.  And, I am seeing more of ways I can be more involved in my personal life as well.  It's like waking up to being an adult for the first time in my life and starting to understand more of what that means.  It is not what I think it meant five or ten years ago.  It will probably change a lot over time.  But I am seeing what is good for now, and what hasn't been serving.  It's good to recognize.

I've been making a large effort to reincorporate God into my life.  I don't really like that word, but maybe more of allowing creation and the vastness of what is to become more personal and involved in my life.  Sharing grief and happiness, asking for what I want more and starting to listen to the voice within that responds to these questions and requests more than I have in the past.  I don't want to only reach out to myself/the divine when I am in a state of duress anymore.  I'd rather have it be more fun and creative.  And so it is becoming so, and synchronicities are beginning to surface more often, like they did in my childhood.  It is a more peaceful and exciting way to be.

Anyway, I'm glad to finally post something uplifting for myself.  All of these troubles are starting to break up.  Ahhh.

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