This week I am finally starting to feel more centered and less spastic. I feel that I am suddenly, miraculously seeing what is vs. what I thought everything was or should and could be. There is an incredible sense of peace and joy that grows out of seeing who I am and not hating that. Also, seeing clearly what my business is and not fussing about all of the things it could be. In both my business and personal life, I am starting to see through all of the veils of "what if's", revealing a shiny nugget of me-ness in there
Settling down to complete started tasks while limiting or even discouraging the emergence of new tasks has been enlightening in many ways. It is allowing me to see things through to logical ends without getting caught up in what it all means. No longer as worried about if I am the best at everything, or if I am good enough to do stuff, but simply seeing what was left undone and finishing it. Good, bad or ugly, delving into all of these lost or subconscious projects is showing me more of who I am and how I have been defining myself all this time. I am finding I am a lot less attached to my old image of myself.
I don't need to be perfect. The great part is that more and more I am feeling like I don't have to be perfect, not just telling myself that as a lip service. And, simultaneously, I am seeing the things I am good at already and the things that are weak spots in my personality or thinking. Seeing them is letting me choose what to focus on and accentuate, and what pitfalls I can be aware of because they are innate to who I am and how I function. Having these revelations in conjunction with the studio is quite awesome. Both myself and my business as their own entities; I am learning to see each as a whole unto itself, and how it actually is and can be best, rather than all of the things they might be or could be or should be. And it's making me more compassionate towards myself, even though I feared seeing all of it.
I find I can feel compassion for being tired, or stressed, or jealous, or angry, or weak and scared and anything else. I can see how I was never above everyone else after all, unfit to feel the same things that we all suffer. I am human, not some kind of goddess or angel who can't feel sorrow or pain and confusion, who can't be wrong and make mistakes, whose intentions are always spot on and perfect. Relief! Joy! It's OK to be sad or regretful or scared. I could dance!
I am so happy about finding a new direction (or more accurately, to have pinpointed the direction the studio is already taking), and accepting this wholeheartedly. It feels like rather than grabbing at all sorts of petals and attaching them to the center of a flower to prove they belong together, I am at last seeing the center of the flower and nurturing some petals to grow from it. I am slowly un-taping and un-stapling and un-gluing all of the random petals I gathered and letting the authentic ones start to manifest. Perhaps on the outside it will look a lot the same as before, but now it won't be a Frankenstein flower, but an actual, solid, beautiful thing that can grow and morph and change naturally.
Even more awesome is starting to apply this new-found grace and acceptance to myself as a person. I truly don't need to grasp at hundreds of petals to be a pretty flower that people like. I can just be myself, and let me-ness grow forth. And in doing this, I can start to love and accept myself instead of this massive mask and projection I have been cultivating for years. It takes a load of pressure off. It lets me see others in a kinder light, too. We all project and mask a great deal. What if we could accept the nature of the people underneath instead of the projections?
Life is pretty awesome. Time to go wrap up a few more tasks. At this rate, I may well actually be caught up with myself by mid-March! YAY!