Sunday, December 26, 2010

The Quiet Pause In Between

We're getting a foot and a half of snow today into tomorrow, and I am happily inside, curled up with a cat, cocoa, and my sparkly glitter tree lit up before me.  It's been an eventful couple of months, and last week in particular was hard as I face more and more of myself and my business, slowly coming to terms with reality in all it's wealth and poverty.  I am happy for it, but it has been tiring.  I continue to have a low-level anxiety, but this is an improvement over the all-out panic of last week.

Christmas was lovely, and I am glad we got to see everyone on both sides of the family.  I missed out on my mom's parents and sister, as well as my dad's sister's family - but overall, I wouldn't have done anything different.  Great meals, lots of laughs.  I am coming to place of equanimity that is not what I anticipated it would be.  It is not a state of constant joy or love, but one of acceptance and peacefulness even in anxious situations.  I like it.

I have a lot to do in the next few days and months.  I am pacing myself, as this is not the season for quick movement, and while there are some things I do have to accomplish rather immediately, the process of following everything through will take months.  No need to get overwhelmed again.

I am finding it helpful to break down the many tasks into categories based on larger goals, to make it easier to decide what is more important, and which order to tackle it all in.  My lists include personal health/relationship goals, work goals, and house/living situation goals.   The house goals take the lowest priority, and I am attempting to keep the health and work goals even, because I am seeing how I can't effectively do anything if I am not in good order myself.  It's hard for me though, so I keep referring to my lists to make sure I make room for personal goals, too, and not just business ones all the time.

I'm glad that it's snowing today.  Normally I am scared of the snow when I have to travel in it.  But when I do not have to go anywhere, it makes me feel happy and silently grants me permission to do whatever I want.  I can't go to work or leave the house if I wanted to anyway, so it is suddenly OK to read, play a game of Civilization, and eat pie.  The anxiety about having to do work all day to keep up with life eases, and it is in those moments that I notice how much I am continually disappointed in myself in regards to working.  I am always feeling like I should be doing more, as though I haven't accomplished anything at all during these years.  But I can also see in the stillness that this perception is false, and I have accomplished a lot.  I might still have a lot to do, but it is enough to work diligently and steadily.  Rushing hasn't been all that helpful, it turns out, and I'm happy to trade all of the flash and glamor of the surface accomplishments for some more fulfilling practical work and success.

I think a good goal for myself would be to come to a place of contentment with just doing the necessary work and doing that well.  Not just getting it done (although that is fine, too!), but actually appreciating it more so that it becomes more interesting and happy than it has been to me so far.  Giving the necessary work the attention it deserves so that all of the flashy things can grow on top of that instead of being a cover for how flimsy I lashed together all of the structure below.  My attention has been misplaced for a long time.  I am feeling disappointed in myself about that, but I think the feeling will pass.  It was a human thing to do.  Flashy things are interesting, and get a lot of praise and admiration, which I really like.  They also take a lot of energy to pull off, and cost a lot of money.  They take up all my time, and after the praise, nobody actually appreciates the vast quantities of resources I threw into them.  Probably because they only last a short time, and who cares after that?  It is only me, left drained and bedraggled, who cares.

Another good goal is to remember to ask for help and to realize that I really do have lots of people who love me nearby and far away who want to help me and enjoy doing so.  I don't have to do it all myself.

Faced with several paradigm shifts, I feel pretty unstable.  Well, maybe unstable is a wrong way of putting it because I feel more stable than I have in a long time - but I feel like I have nothing to pull from.  It's not quite exhaustion so much as a lack of knowing what to do with myself or where to start with anything.  Exhaustion is there, too, but that is more from the struggling against emotions and warring thought cycles for so long.  I feel blank, I guess.  It's not unpleasant, and it doesn't feel the same as being depressed, which is blankness and denial.  This is acceptance and no story.  I don't know if it's possible to live in this kind of space for very long, and I am not sure I can.  I do wonder if I manage to stay in it for a long time, if joy happens as well as just quiet?

In the turmoil of unfolding, I want to be by myself a lot for now.  I have been enjoying just playing my game and cleaning in between rounds.  I have even had good ideas on what to do next on some of my lists.  None of it feels rushed, and I am happy to finally be cleaning  up my living space.  It's true that my outer surroundings reflect the inner state.  All I have wanted for a long time is to have a clear space in which to live and breathe and create, no clutter, nothing that isn't part of a whole picture of peace, creativity and usefulness.  Much like useless thoughts, my space has been full of clutter, un-filed or discarded papers, used dishes and accumulated trinkets that are essentially meaningless and dusty.  As I am clearing out my useless, dusty and cluttered thoughts and emotions, I want all of the junk to go.  Months ago and for years I have wanted the junk in my space to go, but I haven't internally matched that very well.  I hold on and hold on, unwilling to get rid of what used to work because I think maybe it will be used again someday.  I think I know better now that perhaps what didn't work in the first place won't work sometime in the future either.  And what worked when I was unhealthy may not be what I need or want in a healthy state.

Anyway, this felt like a very rambling post and I am done.  I am happy to finally be getting tired of talking about everything.  Now maybe I will actually do something!

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